Redo...what's different?

So let's update things....

color: any but puse.
mint: None - don't really like mint.
shoes: Acicis - Got my first pair...holy smokes...LOVE EM
fabric: cotton and cotton and more cotton. 
lip sctuff: Bath & Body Works Winterberry - they don't MAKE it anymore...wwwwwwaaaaaahhhhh - down to my last 1/16th.  :(
season: Spring or Fall - its a coin toss
scent: Fall or Spring Air
car: Currently a little red sunfire that the police see 90 miles away as I'm going 72 mph...arg!!
candy: Not anymore - blue moon - I'll have Ghiradelli dark...yum.
chocolate: Ghirahdelli Dark...yum!
book: The Bible, Blue Like Jazz, anything Kathy Reich's wrote.
animal: Dave the Cat
soda: I gave up soda. 
jewelry: Cameron Psalm 23:4 band, sterling silver hoops, Jake's ring, other ring (grin) and necklace my dad got me.
day: Sundays
grocery store: Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and Miller and Sons - yup.
cheese: AGED Cheddar - 8 yr is amazing with good wine.
furniture brand: Pottery Barn, or Ikea...I just like solidly made furniture.  LOVE my house!
Artist: MANY
magazine: Health, Readers Digest and Cooking Light, Savure - I'm a FOODIE!
place: Pacific Northwest - can't wait to take Greg!!  SO EXCITED TO GO out east next spring!!!
water: COLD 86 oz day.
pillow: My $65.00 down pillow that I kept in the break up!  LOVE my pillow!!
celebrity: Robin Williams makes tears run down my face.
high-end brand: ME? lol...that's a good one.
metal: sterling silver or platinum (hint hint)
print: BRIGHT colors...watercolored silks are cool!
toilet paper: the one with the cute bears.....
fav medium: clay or pastels - still.
photography: Paul Topher, Sam Dutcher....Bets....Hanna Nibbe - She is AMAZINGLY skilled!
eye color: light green
food: salads, veggies and salmon (wild caught only!)
color scheme: some warm print on my sofa with wood trim, solid wood tables, purple wall, with mint green accents - suprised?  GOES together suprisingly. 
movie: Pride and Prejudice, Defending Your Life, Passion of the Christ, No Reservations, Nacho Libre....Not much changed since.
educational subject: English
fruit: Mac's...tis the season!!
emotion: Happy
nature: Door County Currently - going to my fav spot for camping soon!!
sport: hockey
cake: carrot with cream cheese frosting or ANYTHING Sabrina K makes!!  YUM
clothing color: pink - not my fav, but I always seem to pick it!
tv show: Hawaii Five-O, Bones, cooking shows...I just don't watch anything....Julia Child anything.
nail polish: o.p.i.
major: Elementary Education with Masters - Learining Disabilties/Behavior Disorders, Insurance jazz, Med Term...etc...etc..
kids book: Sneeches, Matilda
future career: Don't have a clue where God's taking me.  But I expect in my lifetime I'll sell everything and go as a missionary somewhere long term.  LOVE it!!
Memory over last ten years: My former SD's bonfires with her in the back yard and roadtrips just us.  Camping with G man and the kids!  FUN!!
Card Game : Uno - yellow cards, Sir Joseph?  Love him!
Board Game: Scrabble!  BOggle too!
Regrets: Not going after degree in Art Therapy!

To "Yolanda @ UWMilw"

So I’m listening to this song by Genisis – throwing it all away. 

Saddest day of my life, when I lost YOU.  I don’t regret losing your father in my life – actually was one of the best things that EVER happened to me.  But losing you, and that relationship, tears me up to this day....almost every day....still days...moments that I reach to my phone to text you....hey...did you...then I remember, you don't care....I should FO.....yup.....I guess I deserve it and my regret is with that moment of anger.

I wish forgiveness was something I had taught you, but I did not.  I was not a forgiving person prior to our lives imploding…..and it’s still something I have to learn, slowly, painfully.  Not easy to forgive someone.  So here, I go to dictionary.com and pop in Forgivness….do you mean forgive?

for·give - /fərˈgɪv/ Show Spelled [fer-giv] verb, for·gave, for·giv·en, for·giv·ing.

verb (used with object)

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

verb (used without object)

6. to pardon an offense or an offender.

So can we learn to grant pardon for or remission of an offense, debt, etc? Or to give up all claim on account of….or grant pardon to a person? To cease to feel resentment against…..

That’s where I struggle – to not feel resentment for being slighted, for not getting my way.  Yeah, yeah…being the youngest, usually we get our way….dangnabit when we don’t.

So my thought is, I need to teach myself forgiveness, to let go, to cease to feel resentment.  I don’t feel resentment upon you.  The door is always open.  I wish others would not put it on you that I’m this horrible person.  It’s like I didn’t exist, but yet I know I did and you know I did.  Someone cannot be in your life for nine plus years, that you call, text and visit with hourly, daily, for that time and just suddenly to be erased, tho you try to do that. 

When my Greg knows I’m missing you, it hurts him that you would just shut me out. 

But I make my excuses for you – if you knew the pressure and guilt she was given for caring for me, it had to be a relief to her, that I was out and she wouldn’t feel guilt, justification and pressure any more.  She wouldn’t have to live two lives…she can just be one person now….

I hope that person is the one we raised – outstanding, self sufficient, outgoing, compassionate, flippin SMART...speaks her mind even if it’s different from another person’s, for her to stand strong in her feelings – understanding that they are very important and not to be dismissed.  For her morals and values not be compromised and be swayed by world and their view of acceptable.  That she doesn’t sell herself short, settle for less and to be HEARD!

The part that bothers Greg the most is that his son, Cameron, who passed away three short years ago, he cannot see him, talk to him, touch him, share life with him.  It’s not an option, not possible.  So Greg’s issue is – why would YOU walk away from someone you love and care about?  Why would YOU shut that person out when they placed so much value, love, commitment, time and effort into raising you, celebrating you, lifting you up?  Life is too short for that.  THAT is what hurts Greg. 

It’s not like your dead and gone, or that I’m dead and gone.  It’s a choice YOU are actively making due to what reasons?  VALID reasons?  Not someone else’s opinion of the truth….not someone else’s twist of the truth?  Rationalization of actions?

So….the door is open…always to you, Yolanda at UWMil.  Wine and Salmon…and great conversation, with some P&P and cookies….Love you kiddo.  Always.

Dream Analysis can dig in on THIS.....

Sorry life is too crazy to post these days, weeks, months.......have to do this more....especialy after HONDURAS!!

So OUT of NOWHERE…..as I don't dream that much, and when I do it's usually not very vividly, nor memorable.

I'm not going to give background to the whole thing, those that know my past will understand this....I only want one thing in my future from my past...that's pretty evident from my dream, if they TRULY are your subconscious. 

Alrighty - the dream -

I had a VERY unlikely, and very strange dream last night, but the most vivid part was Leanna.  She had a drink in her hand...coffee??  She was dressed in a long grey t-shirt, darker jeans, she was very, very lean, like a long distance runner and she came toward me – her hair wasn’t up, but it wasn’t down either…not it’s normal ginger POOF. 

She said to someone to my far right – “I’m not doing this anymore…… I do miss her.  I love Tori…”.  And she came from the right, around furniture, I got up when I realized she was walking toward me.  Neither of us upset, crying, nothing…....just a peacefulness and calmness…..and then she hugged me, with drink in hand of course.  “I love you”….and I just said,” I love you too, kiddo.”  She, still hugging me, said “I miss you.”  I said “I have missed you too!” 

That’s all. 

God’s got this, even tho my heart is aching.  L

My words...

There are times I wish that my son was 'status quo' or 'normal' by societies standards. I think at times, it would be so much easier...... But then I am reminded that GOD made my son the way he is, warts and all.  God had given gifts in such a unique way to my son, that don't allow him to have that 'pc' qualification - not all gifts I treasure, but have to accept.  J was talking today about his strengths; compassionate, sensitive, giving, selfless, artistic, LOYAL, culinary amazing, avid reader, seeking knowledge and just funny guy.  But then there are what I wouldn't call gifts.....they are wounds....genetic baggage that emphasises the wounds.....I allowed those wounds to happen to him, from choice of sperm donor to choice of former 'step' father figure.   Because of those wounds, there are sins.

J from the start had challenges, as I was NOT following God and God's law and truth, so J has the deck stacked against him just by parental mix of his father's unknown side and then there is my mix of family and all that craziness.  Then to put him in a no-win situation with former 'family' by my listening and believing someones 'rationalization' of what they would do if I did...which never happened, tho I fulfilled my role as mom and not just to my child.  For a long time, I believed what I heard; I was a 'crappy mom' and 'selfish' as a parent and a person.  All this from someone I trusted, who repetitively voiced as their 'expert' opinion of me.  I gave WAY too much weight to that person and their opinion.  Everyone has one, as they do bung-holes and we all know what comes out of both at times.....

PTL - recently, we found out from a very valid and qualified doctor, who did an COMPLETE evaluation, that there is something biologically and therefore physically wrong with my son in how his brain processes,which CAN be dealt with.  Something that causes him to BE who he is.  Now, we are facing options for that long process to help him; retraining and therapy; prayer for that is happening.  It's NOT going to be easy on HIM nor on us, but my son KNOWS he needs this to be 'pc' or 'status quo' and in order 'to heal my wounds'. 

Today was a challenge, thrown back in time so long ago, and put me back to a not so funny place where I actually worried that G would run for cover and somehow out of his mouth he would say 'Deal with your kid, Tori."  It may be almost three years, but that verbiage vomit was heard so often, I respond to situations with my son like Pavlov's dog.  Ring the bell...treat....Now...just ring the bell and I drool.

But G didn't run, take cover...no, he stood beside me.  Stood next to my son.  CARED for my son in a way J's never had before from any male other than his Grandfather or Joshy.  He was willing to get into the fight, sweat, blood and tears.  G is first and foremost, a man of God and I am blessed to know that cares for me and knows how valuable my child is to my soul, as he sadly has lost and knows that irreplaceable value.  I am SO grateful and thankful to God for that gift of G in our lives. 

When my son and I were talking later, he kept discussing how he was being 'cautious' with G.  When I told my son, the reason why we had not left for M-town right away, but stayed behind - that I was upset and G didn't feel this was over yet, as "G wanted to throw you over his shoulder, with you kicking and screaming, throw you in the car and settle this, work thru this, NOT run, NOT blame, but RESOLVE.  He's a fighter and he's beside ME fighting for YOU."  When my son's defense, from past disappointments, cycled up to hide how much that meant to him, (fear of rejection does that - remember Pavlov's dog - i wasn't the only trained poochie), I said "HE IS NOT M***!! He doesn't RUN nor BLAME. Nor does he say 'Deal with your KID, Tori!' and walk away.  G is IN this WITH me and WITH YOU!"   My son was silent.  I heard his hand go over the phone to muffle whatever was going on.  I didn't say anything more.  I KNEW then, he wants to just be loved, accepted and cared for by someone, other than mom, unconditionally, like mom. 

Yes, my son won't ever be PC - his mom sure isn't.  But he WILL be LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY w/o judgement or casting stones for his sins.  LOVE the SINNER not the sin. 

To honor my friend, who is living life to her fullest....a list

color: vibrant
mint: IceBreakers Cool Mint
shoes: Adidas or anything FUNKY!
fabric: cotton and cotton
lip sctuff: Bath & Body Works Winterberry - they don't MAKE it anymore...wwwwwwaaaaaahhhhh
season: Spring or Fall - its a coin toss
scent: Ginger
car: Acura Integra, Mercedes ML anything, Saturn Vue - 2010 in burnt orange.
candy: Reeces anything.
chocolate: Ghirahdelli Dark...yum!
book: The Bible, Blue Like Jazz
animal: Cats and dogs.
soda: sprite with a splash of cherry coke - if I drink soda at all.
jewelry: Cameron Psalm 23:4 band, sterling silver hoops, Jake's ring.
day: Sundays
grocery store: Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and Miller and Sons.
cheese: AGED Cheddar - 8 yr is amazing with good wine.
furniture brand: Pottery Barn
Artist: Currently my friend Betsy Delzer - she is a texturaholic like me. 
magazine: Health, Readers Digest and Cooking Light, Savure - I'm a FOODIE!
place: Pacific Northwest - can't wait to take Greg!!
water: cold.
pillow: My $65.00 down pillow that I kept in the break up!  LOVE my pillow!!
celebrity: Robin Williams, not many others....eh.
high-end brand: ME? lol...that's a good one.
metal: sterling silver or platinum (hint hint)
print: FUNKY - really like tie dyed effect....
toilet paper: the one with the cute bears.....
fav medium: clay or pastels
photography: anyone but me.
eye color: light green
food: salads and salmon (wild caught only!)
color scheme: blues, purples in my room, dark red, blues, green in my living room.
movie: Pride and Prejudice, Defending Your Life, Passion of the Christ, No Reservations, Nacho Libre....
educational subject: English
fruit: some funky mango I just got - yum!
emotion: smitten.
nature: Wyalusing, Kettle Moraine - both north and south...
sport: hockey
cake: carrot with cream cheese frosting.
clothing color: pink
tv show: Hawaii Five-O, Bones, Grey's....Julia Child anything.
nail polish: o.p.i.
major: Elementary Education with Masters - Learining Disabilties/Behavior Disorders
kids book: Sneeches, Matilda
future career: Pampered Chef Excutive....or something in sales....I'm pretty good at talking you into anything...lol  KIDDING!
Memory over last ten years: My former SD's bonfires with her in the back yard and roadtrips.
Card Game : Uno - yellow cards, Sir Joseph?
Board Game: Scrabble!
Regrets: Not going after degree in Art Therapy!

Watching my state divided.....

Today was difficult to face as I walked around the square at the Farmer's Market.   I grew up here in Madison, in a primarily democractic home with politics as a dinner time discussion, not to say that I always sided democratic nor republican, as I beleive certain circumstances call for men and women of differnt view points, strengths and positions - ae: Al Gore - he couldn't have handled what Georgie Boy had to go thru in his first year of presidency.   

I was taught with much discussion, looking at ALL the FACTS and coming to the middle ground is CRUCIAL for peace, harmony and justice and that ALL people and their positions should be considered.  . 

As I walked around the square, listening to both sides - except for the 10 minutes I went into Ancora to NOT hear the "Don'tcha know", I realized just how divided this state is.  I was thinking, how is this okay?  How did this happen, in a city and a state that usually has both sides come to the table to discuss both sides of an argument, to find a spot in the middle.  Thinking of how we previoulsy have been a state with leaders that CAME together for the betterment of our state, not tear things apart for one side to benefit.  We are a state divided, nothing is beneficial to BOTH sides of this argument.  Walker's attiude is MY way or HIT the highway! 

Reminding me of one of my three year old little friends....."I'm gonna get what I wanna get and if you don't give it to me, I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn blue and die"   Good thing that we pass out before we die......

So we are setting a lovely example for the children of this state - Pout. Stomp your feet.  Don't you dare learn to compromise.  There is nothing beneficial in discussion.  You should DEMAND your way is the BEST way.  Don't learn the art of negotiation, cause everything in this world will go the way YOU demand it. 

How sad......My 91 y/o father would smack me silly if I pulled that BS. 

Things I've learned

Yes, I know - it's been awhile....life gets in the way.  Getting thru some stuff with my son, watching G move forward in his life, and watching his youngest on an emotional roller coaster of denial.  Really praying for that last item. 

So along with my friend Jessica (Bessica) getting married (YEAH JESS!!), makes me think - what can I pass on that I have learned....tidbits of advice........here goes a few tasty tidbits.

1 - Don't burn bridges
People come in and out of our lives sometimes in a revolving door pattern - still, no matter what - kindness and being CORDIAL to all, regardless of slights, comments, issues you have - unless you are putting your morals and values at risk, just let it be and be nice.  You never know down the road, when you have to cross the bridge they own, rent or are responsible for.
2 - Cats WON'T be ignored.
MeMe(aka Mercedes) will reach out in FULL claw to patt you on the arm, head, leg -just to let you know - "DON'T you DARE walk by ME without worshiping"  Dave on the other hand - he will head butt you eventually if you don't pet him when HE wants.  Also, he will pee on whatever he feels to get your attention that 'my toilet is full - empty human!"  He's teaching Ginny the same thing - damn cats!!
3 - Ex's are just that.
Don't recycle cuz they are convenient - I hear my friends doing it and I roll my eyes - the same reason it didn't work the first time - same reason second......third......fourth....
4 - Marriage equates WORK
In a society that is focused on the here and RIGHT NOW, the idea of W-O-R-K is unheard of.  Yes, you are NOT going to get along.  Yes, you are going to have others who think what's yours should be THEIRS.  Yes, you DO need to make your partnership with that person you married a PRIORITY.  YES, communication is CRUCIAL to the success.  YES - intimacy is vital and needs to be treasured and protected and YES - MARRIAGE IS A COVENANT UNDER GOD!!!  Not a piece of paper.  You don't believe in GOD, you don't have a marriage (yes ppl, I know - but GOD has shown me - HE does MATTER in the success!!) 
5 - That my Grandmother, Charlotte was really my dad's mom.  - long story - but I miss her so much!
6 - Duct tape ROCKS and should be a requirement to pass high school - along with financial responsibility and parental licensing. 
7 - Forgiveness is a CHOICE.
8 - LOVE is a VERB.
9 - There are ALWAYS two sides to EVERY story.
10 - LET GO and LET GOD!