To "Yolanda @ UWMilw"

So I’m listening to this song by Genisis – throwing it all away. 

Saddest day of my life, when I lost YOU.  I don’t regret losing your father in my life – actually was one of the best things that EVER happened to me.  But losing you, and that relationship, tears me up to this day....almost every day....still days...moments that I reach to my phone to text you....hey...did you...then I remember, you don't care....I should FO.....yup.....I guess I deserve it and my regret is with that moment of anger.

I wish forgiveness was something I had taught you, but I did not.  I was not a forgiving person prior to our lives imploding…..and it’s still something I have to learn, slowly, painfully.  Not easy to forgive someone.  So here, I go to dictionary.com and pop in Forgivness….do you mean forgive?

for·give - /fərˈgɪv/ Show Spelled [fer-giv] verb, for·gave, for·giv·en, for·giv·ing.

verb (used with object)

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

verb (used without object)

6. to pardon an offense or an offender.

So can we learn to grant pardon for or remission of an offense, debt, etc? Or to give up all claim on account of….or grant pardon to a person? To cease to feel resentment against…..

That’s where I struggle – to not feel resentment for being slighted, for not getting my way.  Yeah, yeah…being the youngest, usually we get our way….dangnabit when we don’t.

So my thought is, I need to teach myself forgiveness, to let go, to cease to feel resentment.  I don’t feel resentment upon you.  The door is always open.  I wish others would not put it on you that I’m this horrible person.  It’s like I didn’t exist, but yet I know I did and you know I did.  Someone cannot be in your life for nine plus years, that you call, text and visit with hourly, daily, for that time and just suddenly to be erased, tho you try to do that. 

When my Greg knows I’m missing you, it hurts him that you would just shut me out. 

But I make my excuses for you – if you knew the pressure and guilt she was given for caring for me, it had to be a relief to her, that I was out and she wouldn’t feel guilt, justification and pressure any more.  She wouldn’t have to live two lives…she can just be one person now….

I hope that person is the one we raised – outstanding, self sufficient, outgoing, compassionate, flippin SMART...speaks her mind even if it’s different from another person’s, for her to stand strong in her feelings – understanding that they are very important and not to be dismissed.  For her morals and values not be compromised and be swayed by world and their view of acceptable.  That she doesn’t sell herself short, settle for less and to be HEARD!

The part that bothers Greg the most is that his son, Cameron, who passed away three short years ago, he cannot see him, talk to him, touch him, share life with him.  It’s not an option, not possible.  So Greg’s issue is – why would YOU walk away from someone you love and care about?  Why would YOU shut that person out when they placed so much value, love, commitment, time and effort into raising you, celebrating you, lifting you up?  Life is too short for that.  THAT is what hurts Greg. 

It’s not like your dead and gone, or that I’m dead and gone.  It’s a choice YOU are actively making due to what reasons?  VALID reasons?  Not someone else’s opinion of the truth….not someone else’s twist of the truth?  Rationalization of actions?

So….the door is open…always to you, Yolanda at UWMil.  Wine and Salmon…and great conversation, with some P&P and cookies….Love you kiddo.  Always.