There are times I wish that my son was 'status quo' or 'normal' by societies standards. I think at times, it would be so much easier...... But then I am reminded that GOD made my son the way he is, warts and all. God had given gifts in such a unique way to my son, that don't allow him to have that 'pc' qualification - not all gifts I treasure, but have to accept. J was talking today about his strengths; compassionate, sensitive, giving, selfless, artistic, LOYAL, culinary amazing, avid reader, seeking knowledge and just funny guy. But then there are what I wouldn't call gifts.....they are wounds....genetic baggage that emphasises the wounds.....I allowed those wounds to happen to him, from choice of sperm donor to choice of former 'step' father figure. Because of those wounds, there are sins.
J from the start had challenges, as I was NOT following God and God's law and truth, so J has the deck stacked against him just by parental mix of his father's unknown side and then there is my mix of family and all that craziness. Then to put him in a no-win situation with former 'family' by my listening and believing someones 'rationalization' of what they would do if I did...which never happened, tho I fulfilled my role as mom and not just to my child. For a long time, I believed what I heard; I was a 'crappy mom' and 'selfish' as a parent and a person. All this from someone I trusted, who repetitively voiced as their 'expert' opinion of me. I gave WAY too much weight to that person and their opinion. Everyone has one, as they do bung-holes and we all know what comes out of both at times.....
PTL - recently, we found out from a very valid and qualified doctor, who did an COMPLETE evaluation, that there is something biologically and therefore physically wrong with my son in how his brain processes,which CAN be dealt with. Something that causes him to BE who he is. Now, we are facing options for that long process to help him; retraining and therapy; prayer for that is happening. It's NOT going to be easy on HIM nor on us, but my son KNOWS he needs this to be 'pc' or 'status quo' and in order 'to heal my wounds'.
Today was a challenge, thrown back in time so long ago, and put me back to a not so funny place where I actually worried that G would run for cover and somehow out of his mouth he would say 'Deal with your kid, Tori." It may be almost three years, but that verbiage vomit was heard so often, I respond to situations with my son like Pavlov's dog. Ring the bell...treat....Now...just ring the bell and I drool.
But G didn't run, take cover...no, he stood beside me. Stood next to my son. CARED for my son in a way J's never had before from any male other than his Grandfather or Joshy. He was willing to get into the fight, sweat, blood and tears. G is first and foremost, a man of God and I am blessed to know that cares for me and knows how valuable my child is to my soul, as he sadly has lost and knows that irreplaceable value. I am SO grateful and thankful to God for that gift of G in our lives.
When my son and I were talking later, he kept discussing how he was being 'cautious' with G. When I told my son, the reason why we had not left for M-town right away, but stayed behind - that I was upset and G didn't feel this was over yet, as "G wanted to throw you over his shoulder, with you kicking and screaming, throw you in the car and settle this, work thru this, NOT run, NOT blame, but RESOLVE. He's a fighter and he's beside ME fighting for YOU." When my son's defense, from past disappointments, cycled up to hide how much that meant to him, (fear of rejection does that - remember Pavlov's dog - i wasn't the only trained poochie), I said "HE IS NOT M***!! He doesn't RUN nor BLAME. Nor does he say 'Deal with your KID, Tori!' and walk away. G is IN this WITH me and WITH YOU!" My son was silent. I heard his hand go over the phone to muffle whatever was going on. I didn't say anything more. I KNEW then, he wants to just be loved, accepted and cared for by someone, other than mom, unconditionally, like mom.
Yes, my son won't ever be PC - his mom sure isn't. But he WILL be LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY w/o judgement or casting stones for his sins. LOVE the SINNER not the sin.
