My words...

There are times I wish that my son was 'status quo' or 'normal' by societies standards. I think at times, it would be so much easier...... But then I am reminded that GOD made my son the way he is, warts and all.  God had given gifts in such a unique way to my son, that don't allow him to have that 'pc' qualification - not all gifts I treasure, but have to accept.  J was talking today about his strengths; compassionate, sensitive, giving, selfless, artistic, LOYAL, culinary amazing, avid reader, seeking knowledge and just funny guy.  But then there are what I wouldn't call gifts.....they are wounds....genetic baggage that emphasises the wounds.....I allowed those wounds to happen to him, from choice of sperm donor to choice of former 'step' father figure.   Because of those wounds, there are sins.

J from the start had challenges, as I was NOT following God and God's law and truth, so J has the deck stacked against him just by parental mix of his father's unknown side and then there is my mix of family and all that craziness.  Then to put him in a no-win situation with former 'family' by my listening and believing someones 'rationalization' of what they would do if I did...which never happened, tho I fulfilled my role as mom and not just to my child.  For a long time, I believed what I heard; I was a 'crappy mom' and 'selfish' as a parent and a person.  All this from someone I trusted, who repetitively voiced as their 'expert' opinion of me.  I gave WAY too much weight to that person and their opinion.  Everyone has one, as they do bung-holes and we all know what comes out of both at times.....

PTL - recently, we found out from a very valid and qualified doctor, who did an COMPLETE evaluation, that there is something biologically and therefore physically wrong with my son in how his brain processes,which CAN be dealt with.  Something that causes him to BE who he is.  Now, we are facing options for that long process to help him; retraining and therapy; prayer for that is happening.  It's NOT going to be easy on HIM nor on us, but my son KNOWS he needs this to be 'pc' or 'status quo' and in order 'to heal my wounds'. 

Today was a challenge, thrown back in time so long ago, and put me back to a not so funny place where I actually worried that G would run for cover and somehow out of his mouth he would say 'Deal with your kid, Tori."  It may be almost three years, but that verbiage vomit was heard so often, I respond to situations with my son like Pavlov's dog.  Ring the bell...treat....Now...just ring the bell and I drool.

But G didn't run, take cover...no, he stood beside me.  Stood next to my son.  CARED for my son in a way J's never had before from any male other than his Grandfather or Joshy.  He was willing to get into the fight, sweat, blood and tears.  G is first and foremost, a man of God and I am blessed to know that cares for me and knows how valuable my child is to my soul, as he sadly has lost and knows that irreplaceable value.  I am SO grateful and thankful to God for that gift of G in our lives. 

When my son and I were talking later, he kept discussing how he was being 'cautious' with G.  When I told my son, the reason why we had not left for M-town right away, but stayed behind - that I was upset and G didn't feel this was over yet, as "G wanted to throw you over his shoulder, with you kicking and screaming, throw you in the car and settle this, work thru this, NOT run, NOT blame, but RESOLVE.  He's a fighter and he's beside ME fighting for YOU."  When my son's defense, from past disappointments, cycled up to hide how much that meant to him, (fear of rejection does that - remember Pavlov's dog - i wasn't the only trained poochie), I said "HE IS NOT M***!! He doesn't RUN nor BLAME. Nor does he say 'Deal with your KID, Tori!' and walk away.  G is IN this WITH me and WITH YOU!"   My son was silent.  I heard his hand go over the phone to muffle whatever was going on.  I didn't say anything more.  I KNEW then, he wants to just be loved, accepted and cared for by someone, other than mom, unconditionally, like mom. 

Yes, my son won't ever be PC - his mom sure isn't.  But he WILL be LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY w/o judgement or casting stones for his sins.  LOVE the SINNER not the sin. 

To honor my friend, who is living life to her fullest....a list

color: vibrant
mint: IceBreakers Cool Mint
shoes: Adidas or anything FUNKY!
fabric: cotton and cotton
lip sctuff: Bath & Body Works Winterberry - they don't MAKE it anymore...wwwwwwaaaaaahhhhh
season: Spring or Fall - its a coin toss
scent: Ginger
car: Acura Integra, Mercedes ML anything, Saturn Vue - 2010 in burnt orange.
candy: Reeces anything.
chocolate: Ghirahdelli Dark...yum!
book: The Bible, Blue Like Jazz
animal: Cats and dogs.
soda: sprite with a splash of cherry coke - if I drink soda at all.
jewelry: Cameron Psalm 23:4 band, sterling silver hoops, Jake's ring.
day: Sundays
grocery store: Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and Miller and Sons.
cheese: AGED Cheddar - 8 yr is amazing with good wine.
furniture brand: Pottery Barn
Artist: Currently my friend Betsy Delzer - she is a texturaholic like me. 
magazine: Health, Readers Digest and Cooking Light, Savure - I'm a FOODIE!
place: Pacific Northwest - can't wait to take Greg!!
water: cold.
pillow: My $65.00 down pillow that I kept in the break up!  LOVE my pillow!!
celebrity: Robin Williams, not many others....eh.
high-end brand: ME? lol...that's a good one.
metal: sterling silver or platinum (hint hint)
print: FUNKY - really like tie dyed effect....
toilet paper: the one with the cute bears.....
fav medium: clay or pastels
photography: anyone but me.
eye color: light green
food: salads and salmon (wild caught only!)
color scheme: blues, purples in my room, dark red, blues, green in my living room.
movie: Pride and Prejudice, Defending Your Life, Passion of the Christ, No Reservations, Nacho Libre....
educational subject: English
fruit: some funky mango I just got - yum!
emotion: smitten.
nature: Wyalusing, Kettle Moraine - both north and south...
sport: hockey
cake: carrot with cream cheese frosting.
clothing color: pink
tv show: Hawaii Five-O, Bones, Grey's....Julia Child anything.
nail polish: o.p.i.
major: Elementary Education with Masters - Learining Disabilties/Behavior Disorders
kids book: Sneeches, Matilda
future career: Pampered Chef Excutive....or something in sales....I'm pretty good at talking you into anything...lol  KIDDING!
Memory over last ten years: My former SD's bonfires with her in the back yard and roadtrips.
Card Game : Uno - yellow cards, Sir Joseph?
Board Game: Scrabble!
Regrets: Not going after degree in Art Therapy!

Watching my state divided.....

Today was difficult to face as I walked around the square at the Farmer's Market.   I grew up here in Madison, in a primarily democractic home with politics as a dinner time discussion, not to say that I always sided democratic nor republican, as I beleive certain circumstances call for men and women of differnt view points, strengths and positions - ae: Al Gore - he couldn't have handled what Georgie Boy had to go thru in his first year of presidency.   

I was taught with much discussion, looking at ALL the FACTS and coming to the middle ground is CRUCIAL for peace, harmony and justice and that ALL people and their positions should be considered.  . 

As I walked around the square, listening to both sides - except for the 10 minutes I went into Ancora to NOT hear the "Don'tcha know", I realized just how divided this state is.  I was thinking, how is this okay?  How did this happen, in a city and a state that usually has both sides come to the table to discuss both sides of an argument, to find a spot in the middle.  Thinking of how we previoulsy have been a state with leaders that CAME together for the betterment of our state, not tear things apart for one side to benefit.  We are a state divided, nothing is beneficial to BOTH sides of this argument.  Walker's attiude is MY way or HIT the highway! 

Reminding me of one of my three year old little friends....."I'm gonna get what I wanna get and if you don't give it to me, I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn blue and die"   Good thing that we pass out before we die......

So we are setting a lovely example for the children of this state - Pout. Stomp your feet.  Don't you dare learn to compromise.  There is nothing beneficial in discussion.  You should DEMAND your way is the BEST way.  Don't learn the art of negotiation, cause everything in this world will go the way YOU demand it. 

How sad......My 91 y/o father would smack me silly if I pulled that BS.